Perhaps bringing tequila to the luncheon wasn't the best idea after all.

So apparently these things are called "Squiggle Beasties." Yes, there is actually a pattern so you can make your own. No, I don't know why anyone would want to make one.

Dear Diary,

Tonight was the big game between Robinson (WOO! GO COUGARS!) and McDowd. At the party afterwards, Tiffany totally showed up with the exact same sweater. I had to do something. Like, really fast, you know? I couldn't put my cheerleader outfit back on because it was, you know, all grody and stuff from the game. So, I grabbed my manicure scissors and totally made this super adorable midriff. Isn't it just so cute? And then Bryan Harte totally asked me out on a date. Not Tiffany! Me! Stef! Stef Harte. Stefanie Harte. Mrs. Stefanie JoAnna Harte. Tomorrow I am so cutting off the bottom of all my sweaters. Totally.

Yours truly,
Stefanie JoAnna Harte

Well, at least they still have a sense of humor.

Watch out, kids. It's Molester the Cat.

Ok, I get it: you're a company that sells yarn so you provide free 'patterns' so people will buy your yarn. No, really - I understand.

But, this. This is just wrong. I mean, how lazy have you become? And do you really think the people buying your yarn are that stupid?

This 'pattern' literally tells you to tie two hanks of yarn together, wrap them around your neck, and call it a necklace.

Remove labels from 2 hanks of Glace. Carefully untie the knotted end of 1 hank and untwist. Disturbing yarn as little as possible, thread the end of the untwisted hank through looped end of second hank until first hank is halfway through. Retwist first hank and retie ends. To fasten around neck, position joined centers of hanks in front and sl opened book ring through all 4 looped ends of both hanks at back, closing ring.

Someone call Tyra - I found America's Next Top Model!

Berroco, you never cease to amaze me. You are responsible for bringing so much knit fuggery into the world yet you also manage to find the time to display said fuggery on the most amazing (and jumpy) models ever.

Ok, Wendy. Playtime is over. Give Speed Racer his trophy and get back to work on the hamburgers.

Tweety never had a chance...

And who would've thought Sylvester could knit?