I Like To Be Warm

But only certain parts of me, you know?

Kelp Flops

"What a fun, funky way to use up any leftover Crystal Palace 'Splash' yarn you have" and look like you walked into the ocean with normal flip flops and came out with sea gunk all over them.

Another Way To Shill Yarn

Here's yet another gem from the folks at Berroco.

Birch is a quick and easy vase project, made by simply wrapping a glass container with yarn.

Because you really need instructions on how to wrap a bottle with yarn. And because you really need a fucking bottle wrapped in yarn. And for those who are truly intrigued by this "project" they've included a close up:


So you don't have to hurt your brain trying to imagine what yarn wrapped around a bottle looks like.

Dumb Designs

So ... what happens when it comes untied?

What? Are you kidding me? Ok, I've seen some pretty lame excuses for "patterns," but this is just ridic. It's a scarf knit in garter stitch without the ends weaved in. Yes, I read through the pattern and it actually advises you to just knit half the width and switch to another yarn. That's it. That's all. I mean, I guess I could be thankful for the fact that this is offered as a free pattern and they're not actually charging people to 'learn' how to make this fugly shit... I guess.

Why would you do this to your child, your very own flesh and blood?

Unless the rest of your family looks like this:

and you just want her to fit in. That I could understand.

What the hell? It's a gigantor dickey.

What's up with people killing animals to make fugly hats?

I get a little queasy when I see this. Is it the acrylic camo-yarn? The fur mustache? The fact that it's riding on a cheetah?

more at twiigs.com...

AHHHHHH! It’s not even knit!

Granted it does state on the Berro-crap website:

Our octopus with braided legs in Ultra Alpaca is a non-knit craft.

But, STILL! It infuriates me how many ways these companies try to shill their crappy, cheap fugly yarn by creating all these god-awful “patterns” that require the “knitter” to purchase copious amounts of expensive yarn. The Ultra Alpaca that this atrocity (ok, I’ll admit it would make a rather nice dog chew-toy) is made with goes for around $8.50 per 3.5 oz. hank! AND the “pattern” calls for two hanks. That’s at least $17 (before taxes and the decorative bits) for a fucking toy.

This yarn is a 50/50 alpaca/wool blend. It would make a handsome and super warm pair of gloves or mittens for your beloved. But, no! Berro-crap wants us to waste perfectly good yarn on a damn chew-toy.

Just get a fannypack. They're way cooler and have zippers.

You know, on the right person this could look kind of nice. It would look ok on this chick if it weren’t for the major attitude she’s trying to cop. Geez, give it a break. However, what immediately got my attention was the caption:

“Knit in Ultra Alpaca, Sabinette is a felted twisted ladder scarf reminiscent of dna.”

Besides the fact that DNA is an acronym and therefore CAPITALIZED:

a) when the fuck has DNA ever looked like fuzzy, limp white pasta?
b) why would I want to wear DNA (pasta) around my neck?
c) scarves are supposed to keep you warm! Which is, frankly, something that neither pasta, ladders, nor enlarged strands of DNA can do.